#005 child safety scissors

I don’t believe in evolution.  I just had to put that on the record.  But if I did believe in evolution and cavemen and flintstone bedrock ages, I know for a fact that if cavemen had invented child safety scissors instead of clubs and hammers…..mankind would have gone extinct.  Why?  Because when it comes to cutting paper or any other severing activity, child safety scissors do about as well as Lindsey Lohan does with rehab.  But perhaps the child safety scissors accomplish their goal with less alcohol and more apple juice.

I’ve taught enough children’s Sunday schools to know it’s pointless to even pass out the darn things.  It would take the skill of a surgeon to be able to coax those tiny, dull, plastic scissors to cut anything other than water.  None of the kids can ever make them work and it becomes the Sunday school teacher’s job to saw out fifty-four Jesus’ arms to brass bracket to the lesson sheets so that Jesus can wave to a crayon scribbled crowd.

Of course, the goal in the creation of these pointless scissors was to promote children safety.  But really?  What is this?  Prison?  Are we afraid the children will weld the scissors into shanks and start forming their own classroom gangs, like the Crayon Warriors, the Hell’s Doodlers and the ABC homies?

Let’s just think about what Dwight Schrute from the NBC show, the Office would say.  He would say that we should hand out machetes to all the children.  It would weed out the weak ones from the older ones.  Then he would hand out not paper but boards to cut for beet boxes.  All Schrute children probably had to do this.  And we can be sure that none of them had child safety scissors.

If you are really concerned for your child’s safety and education, you would give your kids real scissors.  The safety ones only cause blisters and fatigue, all of which I am sure are considered child abuse.  Real scissors will teach your kids motor skills and the dangers of sharp objects.  If a few fingers are lost in the process, even more lessons will be learned.  Like how to tie a tourniquet.

Say no to child safety scissors, say yes to learning.